Saturday, November 30, 2013

the self and it's properties

There are often at least a couple of times a year when I see an opportunity to kind of write myself a small manifesto for the next few months to improve myself and help me see all I am surrounded by in a better light. Of course, I am seized many times a day when I am able to reflect on my behaviour and see places that need a little bit of help, and then all of these snowball into one and I am left a quivering mess of human and have so much I need to think about changing about my self--traits that I have picked up maybe not for the better.

One month away from the new year--purchasing Christmas socks today has made me very aware of how close Christmas actually is--and having gone through a lot of changes in my life since I last really had a manifesto time, I've had a lot of experiences this year where I have been tested hugely and I have become aware of how much harder I need to work and how much better I need to be. There is so much I need to learn about the world and about LIVING and I've found the pathway I need to take that will lead me to another collection of pathways when I arrive at that next intersection. But there is so much I need to do to walk confidently down the first pathway. I'm excited to make changes and to improve. To hate things and people less. And love them more. All encompassing, that's probably what I really need to remind myself. And that although I don't come first, I also don't come last and need to think about myself sometimes, not a lot, but occasionally it is actually important for my soul.

I am surrounded by so much beauty and just really need to take time with all the things I want to do so I can love all things, and love all things with more heart.

Nick leaves in a day and a half, Annette will get her call soon, my papers should be in soon.

It's all happening man.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Hair cut

Not hugely impressed with the hair cut I just got from the cheap Asian place I trust most, she took all the length I wanted to keep from the top layers of the back and when this grows out I will look like I have a mother's hair do. I already look like I have a mother's hair do. 

Growing this out is frustratingly difficult an distracting my patience. All I want to do is have hair that I can tie up completely it's all I want man.

These two days off have been pretty wonderful. Would love to be unemployed/doing something I like as work.

 I will have about five flute students next year which I am really excited about, though it may be interesting when I get my mission call...

Tonight I am going to have thanksgiving dinner at someone's house in Wollongong with some friends. I'm pretty excited. 

Whaaaaatever man. Don't care 

Friday, November 15, 2013

It begins!

Nicky and his brother's farewell party is on tonight, I am wearing way too much eye make up for what is bound to happen this evening oh boy oh boy gonna be hectic. In the meantime, I am on my way to see Annette before she heads off to melbz for a few days. I wonder what we will eat maybe I will surprise her with a schnitz yum yes I think this is what I will do!!! 

Listening to Bushwalking, they are actually perfect I am super frothin'. SUPERFROTH. HNNNNG.

Catch y'all later have a beautiful day and crap.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

annette, please watch this

If it's Alive it Will-Angel Olsen

i hate love

shaking because of loneliness and abandonment of someone who doesn't even seem to care how I am, you never called to see how I was, you called to ask for a favour. So sick of always being put after other people by someone who I am always putting first. So absolutely sick of it. I have sobbed for a solid 25 minutes, like, the really audible kind. I am exhausted of so often sitting on my bed with my heart in my throat. Taken for granted. Thrown to the side. All the time. Treated as a person only when something is needed or wanted. Otherwise I am a ghost.

The same person said on saturday about a mutual friend "why would you treat your friends like that, who ever has that right?", seriously man. Seriously?

I refuse to deal with this any longer until you realise how much I cussing do for you and how much I am constantly thinking of you, so often you have promised and you have promised to reciprocate and nothing comes of your talk.

Please, give me a person to love and be loved by that won't make me cry at least once a week. Give me a love that doesn't debilitate me when I am trying so hard to make them happy. To rack my brains so I say what they want me to. To do what they want me to.

I actually physically cannot do this anymore, it makes me sick to my core.

And I was having such a good day.

Why did you have to go and do that. And blame me for 'changing my mood'.

Lucky I have so much to do right now, hopefully I can just push through this one without breaking and  writing a four page letter again and paying 10 dollars that could have been 10 boxes of shapes to have it delivered to your stupid house.





Saturday, November 9, 2013

da fick brows

I'm taking a couple of weeks off of work, one of them to hang out with my cousin who is leaving on his mission for two years and then I will work for a week and then go up to queensland to see my other cousin who I haven't seen in about five months and would just really like to spend some time with her and talk about what has been going on in both of our lives before christmas and before we both begin a whole new year. 

I am really excited to do this, and so excited to have some time to myself to regain some of my sanity (hopefully).


I love plane trips by myself they are so fun

so excited

Thursday, November 7, 2013

all day

all I can think about is annette and how much almost the rest of humanity repulse me hahahah and how good indian film music is I am going to watch Charulata now or maybe I will finish arrested development

^probably my best moment thus far

Sunday, November 3, 2013


had a four hour sleep, woke up at 9pm, have work at 6am, don't know what to do

started my mission papers officially today, meaning I am in the system up and running, and it's all up to me now--getting them filled out. Nick leaves in one month today. Not coping very well. I don't really think anyone except the two of us can grasp how much we mean to each other--if that isn't true love I don't know what is. Just cause we're cousins doesn't mean we're just like chums and's so full and always honest and easy and is everything I could ever want or dream of with someone. I can't wait for us to find people who we aren't related to who we can feel like this about.

^so weird--but so good

going to finish writing this dumb song so I can send it someone who is really important to me (hate da feels)

listen to this and have a cry because beautiful bela bartok

can't be stuffed typing the thing

and also this good one, not quite bartok but I'm sure he would have dug it just as much?

Cry to Me-Solomon Burke