(even though she has been present for every single thing involved in my life and for this I am ever so thankful) :
As I prepare to serve an 18 month full time mission I am filled with so much unknowing-where I will go, who I will meet, what will my sisters be like when I come home-and to an extent there is a fear that always accompanies the unknown. As excited as it all makes me, I'm also hella afraid. I've never lived out of home, though I know I am more than ready for it. I am a little ready to share a message of happiness to people I don't know, in an unfamiliar place that will in time become my home, but also a little frightened-is anyone ever really completely ready for that? I was going to write about some people who have exited my life / I have exited them from my life purposefully and about what they will think but that has never crossed my mind until now because I have never truuuuly cared ahah so they aren't even a thing.
I have been at such a loss of life--fire, energy, excitement, drive. I actually feel like a LOSER sometimes because by the time I get home, I am so deprived of energy from doing something like working or travelling to work that I haven't made anything in such a long time and that is something I really miss. All of my actions-even the utmost trivial-are washed into a grey mass of meaningless time which I detest, I forget what I have and have not done, almost every time I fill up my car at the petrol station as I drive away I question if I had actually screwed the cap on and shut the petrol flap, and every time without fail I would have done it. But so many things are seamed with other things and as a whole they are being dragged down to a void where there is nothing that grows and all stews. That is something I aim to pick up in the next couple of months. Make more things. Be more.
After much time and thought and effort, my mission papers are finally submitted and I will receive my call in about three weeks-NOT SOON ENOUGH-but it was the greatest feeling today when my Bishop gave me a crazy-firm handshake to confirm that my papers went in on thursdayish, and I feel very full, if that makes sense when I think of what I will be doing and the steps I have had to take to prepare and in a way, turn a lot of my life around I guess.
I have found the best friend in the entire universe and she is the perfect being for me. We were designed to meet and that fills me with utmost confidence for the rest of my life, that if our maker was able to organise Annette and I to meet and grow to love each other as much as we do, who knows what we will have in store for us for the rest of our time on this planet?! And the more consecutive hours we spend with each other, the more we are bummed out when it's time to go home (instead of the more knives we want to throw, as we are used to with other friends). As we both set out for a year and a half in the middle of the year, we are learning as much as we can, and that has been such a blessing, to learn the greatest things in the world with your best friend. I cannot say enough about her that will do her eternally beautiful soul justice.
My family has grown so much closer in the last few months. Even with our brother, he cried on skype the other day because he missed us / hated seeing us fight which may or may not have happened on skype hehe / but mostly missed us. I have come to love my smallest sister Ellie and sat on the bathroom floor wiping her running mascara the other night and I adore how fragile and filled with fuel she is. Sophie is an angel in her very own, very special way. I will write more about her another time. My parents are perfect, really. They can have their own thingy later too. Not right now. Soz guys.
Coming from so many 'friend'ships in the last couple of years in which I have had to endure selfishness and depression and substance abuse, I unfortunately still have traits that I had developed being in those relationships. One of those is doubt. When you are surrounded by negativity, it is like there is this person who has covered themselves with charcoal, and no matter who they touch, even if it is for one fleeting moment of contact, it rubs off on you. Doubt of ability, of sustainability, of character, of self, of the truth and love of others, and of humanity. Just a few things I think about often. The charcoal marks are rubbing off quickly and being replaced with colour as well as whiteness, and a lot of that is Buddy (thank you, once again, so grateful for you,,, gurl).
I've been blessed to have spent some time with really special people, and talk with and appreciate a lot of different human beans. Mahler said something very close to his death about finding people a lot nicer and a lot kinder than he ever had experienced, and I think that it has so much to do with our own attitude and our own acceptance of the outward expression of others, in whatever way it comes, we are responsible for interpretation and reaction. I have finally met Buddy's family and had dinner at her family home with her and watched the winter olympics. She spent four days with me this week caring for me post-wisdom teeth extraction trauma and I have never loved someone more for holding my hand and laughing not cringing when I sneezed blood out of my mouth. In January I met properly and hung out with Callum who took me surfing/laughed at me trying to surf on an electric surfboard and he is one of the best boy listeners I know. I accidentally kissed my 43 year old record store man on the lips. I have seen my parents take everything that has been thrown at them and turn it into love and a beautiful part of them as individuals, and as a married couple. I have gained the utmost respect for all of the Elders and Sisters whom I have been so lucky to meet, and take in all of their experiences. My cousin is in Fiji, and is having the most amazing time, and tomorrow I will get an email from him telling me how he is, and I can't wait to join him in the field. His brother is now out in the field, and the youngest brother will leave at the end of March. Though our government is kind of destroying the Australian natural landscape little by little, we still live in such an incredible world. Tomorrow night, Buddy and I are going to see a film about a girl trekking across the Australian desert. Then in March / April we will have one trip to camp in the mountains, and one trip to the snow. I am so excited and so full of love. So full in love.
Also, I have a gig! My own solo gig!! Gonna be a RIOT!
~cue bish whistling 'happy' by pharrell~
Also, sorry if there are grammatical errors I can't be bothered editing. CAN'T BE STUFFED AyE.