(?)

^huge question mark

of lyf

maybe I will have a quick swim and then write this post so I do it actually partially conscious...

okeoke I will type away post swim

bye

look after yourself

I have just confronted (albeit by social media--privately, obviously) two boys who have taken chunks of my life and time and energy and huge emotional investment from different portions of my life that have kind of ended in this one, and neither of them have actually replied, and it has been an hour and a half.

I'm pretty disappointed, and also not a whole lot surprised...

Which is unfortunate. But whatever.

The important thing here is folks, is that YOU are so important, and it's so necessary not to let people walk all over you, no matter how much you may feel for them, or how much you enjoy giving for some sick reason (jks, giving is so important, but to people who don't appreciate it?...stuff dat!). I feel so powerful and in the immortal words of Beyonce, I'm not bossy, I'M DA BOSS.

And also get your fathers onto photobooth, it's the funniest thing ever.

Here...

dis 1 ^

yup gonna sleep for half an hour

pooday

I'm having a poo day, I had a really nice morning cooking breakfast for my best friend and it was so nice to see her after such a big long time of seven days hahah and then on the bus ride home, I just kind of hit rock butts (bottom) but I'm on my way back up slowly because I am listening to one direction. 

I am doubting my ability as a musician and have for such a long time, so my gig that is in just over two weeks I am more than a little stressed out about it. 

I am stressed out because I have so much to do for my mission, I'm really excited about it, but I'm also so stressed that I won't actually have enough money to pay it all myself, which is what I really wanted to do, so bummed out because I easily could have enough by now, and could have actually already quit my job and be having a helluva time. 

Alas, I am a derp and a fewl.

Anyway, I'm going to go and get my stuff done now.

My crippled dog is at my feet I am in the kitchen sorting out my stuff.

I

I
I
I

MISS


A
N
N
E
T
T
E

AGUFHGIJRKHLEGAHJKRSDM

madness / life

So here are a few things to catch you all (Annette) up on
(even though she has been present for every single thing involved in my life and for this I am ever so thankful) :

~FEAR~
As I prepare to serve an 18 month full time mission I am filled with so much unknowing-where I will go, who I will meet, what will my sisters be like when I come home-and to an extent there is a fear that always accompanies the unknown. As excited as it all makes me, I'm also hella afraid. I've never lived out of home, though I know I am more than ready for it. I am a little ready to share a message of happiness to people I don't know, in an unfamiliar place that will in time become my home, but also a little frightened-is anyone ever really completely ready for that?  I was going to write about some people who have exited my life / I have exited them from my life purposefully and about what they will think but that has never crossed my mind until now because I have never truuuuly cared ahah so they aren't even a thing.



~LOSS~
I have been at such a loss of life--fire, energy, excitement, drive. I actually feel like a LOSER sometimes because by the time I get home, I am so deprived of energy from doing something like working or travelling to work that I haven't made anything in such a long time and that is something I really miss. All of my actions-even the utmost trivial-are washed into a grey mass of meaningless time which I detest, I forget what I have and have not done, almost every time I fill up my car at the petrol station as I drive away I question if I had actually screwed the cap on and shut the petrol flap, and every time without fail I would have done it. But so many things are seamed with other things and as a whole they are being dragged down to a void where there is nothing that grows and all stews. That is something I aim to pick up in the next couple of months. Make more things. Be more.


~FULLNESS~
After much time and thought and effort, my mission papers are finally submitted and I will receive my call in about three weeks-NOT SOON ENOUGH-but it was the greatest feeling today when my Bishop gave me a crazy-firm handshake to confirm that my papers went in on thursdayish, and I feel very full, if that makes sense when I think of what I will be doing and the steps I have had to take to prepare and in a way, turn a lot of my life around I guess.

I have found the best friend in the entire universe and she is the perfect being for me. We were designed to meet and that fills me with utmost confidence for the rest of my life, that if our maker was able to organise Annette and I to meet and grow to love each other as much as we do, who knows what we will have in store for us for the rest of our time on this planet?! And the more consecutive hours we spend with each other, the more we are bummed out when it's time to go home (instead of the more knives we want to throw, as we are used to with other friends). As we both set out for a year and a half in the middle of the year, we are learning as much as we can, and that has been such a blessing, to learn the greatest things in the world with your best friend. I cannot say enough about her that will do her eternally beautiful soul justice.

My family has grown so much closer in the last few months. Even with our brother, he cried on skype the other day because he missed us / hated seeing us fight which may or may not have happened on skype hehe / but mostly missed us. I have come to love my smallest sister Ellie and sat on the bathroom floor wiping her running mascara the other night and I adore how fragile and filled with fuel she is. Sophie is an angel in her very own, very special way. I will write more about her another time. My parents are perfect, really. They can have their own thingy later too. Not right now. Soz guys.


~DOUBT~
Coming from so many 'friend'ships in the last couple of years in which I have had to endure selfishness and depression and substance abuse, I unfortunately still have traits that I had developed  being in those relationships. One of those is doubt. When you are surrounded by negativity, it is like there is this person who has covered themselves with charcoal, and no matter who they touch, even if it is for one fleeting moment of contact, it rubs off on you. Doubt of ability, of sustainability, of character, of self, of the truth and love of others, and of humanity. Just a few things I think about often. The charcoal marks are rubbing off quickly and being replaced with colour as well as whiteness, and a lot of that is Buddy (thank you, once again, so grateful for you,,, gurl).

~PURE LOVE~
I've been blessed to have spent some time with really special people, and talk with and appreciate a lot of different human beans. Mahler said something very close to his death about finding people a lot nicer and a lot kinder than he ever had experienced, and I think that it has so much to do with our own attitude and our own acceptance of the outward expression of others, in whatever way it comes, we are responsible for interpretation and reaction. I have finally met Buddy's family and had dinner at her family home with her and watched the winter olympics. She spent four days with me this week caring for me post-wisdom teeth extraction trauma and I have never loved someone more for holding my hand and laughing not cringing when I sneezed blood out of my mouth. In January I met properly and hung out with Callum who took me surfing/laughed at me trying to surf on an electric surfboard and he is one of the best boy listeners I know. I accidentally kissed my 43 year old record store man on the lips. I have seen my parents take everything that has been thrown at them and turn it into love and a beautiful part of them as individuals, and as a married couple. I have gained the utmost respect for all of the Elders and Sisters whom I have been so lucky to meet, and take in all of their experiences. My cousin is in Fiji, and is having the most amazing time, and tomorrow I will get an email from him telling me how he is, and I can't wait to join him in the field. His brother is now out in the field, and the youngest brother will leave at the end of March. Though our government is kind of destroying the Australian natural landscape little by little, we still live in such an incredible world. Tomorrow night, Buddy and I are going to see a film about a girl trekking across the Australian desert. Then in March / April we will have one trip to camp in the mountains, and one trip to the snow. I am so excited and so full of love. So full in love.



Also, I have a gig! My own solo gig!! Gonna be a RIOT! 

~cue bish whistling 'happy' by pharrell~

Also, sorry if there are grammatical errors I can't be bothered editing. CAN'T BE STUFFED AyE.

hi

life is a poo

butt that's ok

because when you become a butt

you are at the top of the world

hi annette I love you

A bath of emotions; am I coming undone ie. too much inside to choose from

I'm going to make this nicely worded and like an essay so I'm going to upload this and then in the near future add pictures that are relevant and when my vocabulary becomes clearer and I don't have to be awake in four hours, I will complete my piece. LOL at my life.





The last few days/weeks I have been through an immense battle of emotions within my human bean, and I have not directly addressed any of them and unfortunately they linger due to the fact that they have not been addressed as of yet. This needs to happen or I will probably pass out due to heart failure simply in lieu of my feelings. Henceforth, my tackle of the aorta.


~FEAR~

~LOSS~

~FULLNESS~

~DOUBT~

~ANXIOUSNESS AND/OR EXCITEMENT~

~PURE LOVE~

Oh crep

My arch nemesis (lol) is attending a beach day that I am going to and I was unaware how much will I hate myself and how much will my hate grow for humanity in about 2 hours time I am excited hahah not really I feel very ill hnnngg want to perish

going to bed

tired upset alone the ultimate combination why do I have to be conscious tomorrow why

Interesting h

Once I have departed from the lives of my old friends they have started taking drugs lol awesome guys that's awesome I actually hate everyone and want to slip into oblivion and perish within starlight embodied by universal voids that isn't feasible at all is it. I just really need to go for a hike, think I may go this Friday and bail on catching up with high school/post high school 'friends' yeah stuff dat you'll be supportive of my decisions supportive my arse have nice lives yah bunch of sods I just really want some maccas fries I think yeah new years

annneettttttee

i miss u

do I gooooo to sleep again oh geez what do I DOOO

I HATE THIS

HATE IIIIIIIITITTTt HATE TIT UGHGHUGHGU

disgusting

also this is really beautiful

The Garden of Brokenness-William Basinski

deceight

All the paperworky stuff for my mission papers are done, I have an appointment at the doctors tomorrow to get started on my medical, YAHOO.

Washed hair and day old make up ^see above photos herherher

lyfpoop

continuous hate of the human race want to exterminate them all

wish I was a dalek 

lucky I have death slice 

dammit just finished it all

So many changes, some that need to happen but are a little painful, some that are happening and feel incredibly refreshing and freeing. I haven't listened to anything except the Flaming Lips for three days, it's been really good. Haven't seen or spoken to Nick in five days and it is just making me really excited to go on my mission. Unfortunately have forgotten my password to continue doing my papers hahah such a fool. A fool forever. Whatever. 

I think tomorrow I will go and see the sun rise...ON THE BACK OF MY EYELIDS. No but really, maybe I will go to an ocean place and go and heal my poor little soul a little bit with one of nature's most taken for granted phenomenons. Don't even know what is wrong with it, but I'm not feeling too great, I'm trying real hard, but it's just not coming round. This song is really beautiful "but that's just me being optimistic I know, I know" oh Wayne you neo-psychedelic angel and Steven you are the lord of them all I love you. 

Alright, I'm riding my bike to the flute lessons so I like myself more (hahahah pathetic) gotta get going guys catch you later and stuff

hump day of death

DEATH

HEllo I a m tired this is a blog and I am tired

AJDFBAMDNF

death

tired

the self and it's properties

There are often at least a couple of times a year when I see an opportunity to kind of write myself a small manifesto for the next few months to improve myself and help me see all I am surrounded by in a better light. Of course, I am seized many times a day when I am able to reflect on my behaviour and see places that need a little bit of help, and then all of these snowball into one and I am left a quivering mess of human and have so much I need to think about changing about my self--traits that I have picked up maybe not for the better.

One month away from the new year--purchasing Christmas socks today has made me very aware of how close Christmas actually is--and having gone through a lot of changes in my life since I last really had a manifesto time, I've had a lot of experiences this year where I have been tested hugely and I have become aware of how much harder I need to work and how much better I need to be. There is so much I need to learn about the world and about LIVING and I've found the pathway I need to take that will lead me to another collection of pathways when I arrive at that next intersection. But there is so much I need to do to walk confidently down the first pathway. I'm excited to make changes and to improve. To hate things and people less. And love them more. All encompassing, that's probably what I really need to remind myself. And that although I don't come first, I also don't come last and need to think about myself sometimes, not a lot, but occasionally it is actually important for my soul.

I am surrounded by so much beauty and just really need to take time with all the things I want to do so I can love all things, and love all things with more heart.

Nick leaves in a day and a half, Annette will get her call soon, my papers should be in soon.

It's all happening man.

(I REALLY NEED TO CLEAN MY ROOM)

Hair cut

Not hugely impressed with the hair cut I just got from the cheap Asian place I trust most, she took all the length I wanted to keep from the top layers of the back and when this grows out I will look like I have a mother's hair do. I already look like I have a mother's hair do. 

Growing this out is frustratingly difficult an distracting my patience. All I want to do is have hair that I can tie up completely it's all I want man.

These two days off have been pretty wonderful. Would love to be unemployed/doing something I like as work.

 I will have about five flute students next year which I am really excited about, though it may be interesting when I get my mission call...

Tonight I am going to have thanksgiving dinner at someone's house in Wollongong with some friends. I'm pretty excited. 

Whaaaaatever man. Don't care 

It begins!

Nicky and his brother's farewell party is on tonight, I am wearing way too much eye make up for what is bound to happen this evening oh boy oh boy gonna be hectic. In the meantime, I am on my way to see Annette before she heads off to melbz for a few days. I wonder what we will eat maybe I will surprise her with a schnitz yum yes I think this is what I will do!!! 

Listening to Bushwalking, they are actually perfect I am super frothin'. SUPERFROTH. HNNNNG.

Catch y'all later have a beautiful day and crap.